Welcome To My Dorksplosion

Dorksplosion Is…Tricking Out My Netbook With A Larry Elmore Skin

Oh shit! 200th POST!! I need to bust out some artwork for this…later. I had like 4 melatonin chew tabs. Zzzzz.

If only they could license the Dragon Lance cover art as computer and cellphone skins. That would be bomb ass as fuck. Larry Elmore was a huge part of my childhood. Almost every DnD product I owned had some fucking killer Larry Elmore painting in it.

On a side note, my wife and I both got netbooks and while the processing power sucks a dong (I’m gonna upgrade the ram) it can definitely handle text programs like Final Draft. The crappy processing power actually works to our advantage as my wife and I both have ADD. It’s nice to not be able to dick around on Facebook when you need to work. Which is cool because we just finished our first draft of our screenplay and it’s off to my manager to stir up interest and make notes. It’s pretty hilarious and I’ll post more about it soon.

Colonel Winston “Soup Pot” Dunderhill

Soup’s on, boys…

I’m going to do portraits for all of our DnD characters. This is Col. Soup Pot.

Backstory:

Colonel Winston Dunderhill was conscripted in the army when his halfling town of Rivercrest found themselves besieged by barbarians from the Southlands. The attacks on Rivercrest proved to be an out and out slaughter forcing the surviving halflings to retreat deep into the forest.

As winter drew close food became sparse for the remaining halflings. During the frigid nights of pained mutterings and cries for sustenance Winston began to have nightmares about a giant carnivorous fanged mouth which came to represent his desperate hunger. This entity revealed itself to be a creature called “The Gaping Maw” and it fed off the disparate energies of starvation and gluttonous feasting.

The creature began to whisper terrible ideas to Winston, brutal tactics, underhanded schemes to help his folk defeat the large barbarian raiders. Finally, driven mad with near total starvation, Winston Dunderhill pledged his soul to The Gaping Maw for victory.

Over the following weeks he led cunning and sadistic hit and run attacks on the barbarian encampments, feasting with his kin on the remains of the dead. These acts earned him the innocuous but grim nickname “Soup Pot” as he commonly made stew from the bones and left over meat of his victims. The surrounding forest, now thick with snow, became a gruesome charnel house of Col. Soup Pot’s enemies. Their bones hung from bare trees, picked clean by halfling teeth.

This became too much for the barbarian raiders to handle and they withdrew from Rivercrest in horror spreading tales about how the forest came alive with hunger and ate their men. Col. Soup Pot led his kin to victory but at a dark price. He could not shake the influence of The Gaping Maw and was banished from Rivercrest. He cursed the hypocrites, knowing full well how he had filled their bellies with strange meat all winter, and left Rivercrest forever.

Despite still being in his prime, tales of Soup Pot have spread far and wide among halfling culture and his legend has become a bogeyman story to scare little ones into behaving. Now Soup Pot wanders the land, wearing his trademark pot on his head and eking out a lonely existence.

DnD Players Weigh In: Do Warlord’s Suck?

Col. Soup Pot felt like a real fucking straight up towns person last gaming session instead of a hero. My only kill was with a crossbow I bought in town as a joke that I used on a dying kobold. Also, I made one kobold surrender but that was ridiculous. So do warlord’s suck? Does your party HAVE to have a healer/leader?

New Character Joins Our Party

Stand up, Paul Cibis, joins our retarded party as a Minotaur Fighter. We met him at a bar he was somehow allowed into. Now I want to be a minotaur. Hobbit Warlord is just not cutting it. All my inspiring words are gone. I do have a hidden crossbow in case shit gets real. This crew looks fucking ridiculous.

DnD night!

My character, Col. Soup Pot, the halfling militiaman, has only succeeded in being tossed out of a bar by the mayor and then covered in acid every single round of combat. I’m not so sure about this whole Warlord class. But I do have an old soup pot on my head for a helmet. That’s gotta count for something right?